Props to you if you're actually reading this. With all the buzz about GDPR I'm obliged to tell you how I'm using your data and let you know that you can have it all deleted at any point and stuff. The whole process is honestly so confusing and I don't really know where to start so I am stepping into the next wave with this easy to read and laugh at privacy policy from Writer's HQ. I legit copied and pasted it BUT THEN I adapted it to my business specially for you and they asked me to say this at the top so you know that this was not my brainchild:

"With thanks to Writers’ HQ, our supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted us permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.”


  1. TLDR [Too long, didn't read]I'm a tiny one-woman crafty healing business and I don’t have the time or energy to do all the things I want to be doing with my time let alone do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I'm not evil – we all have shadows we gotta deal with – I'm just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity while also giving my cat enough attention so that he doesn't punch me with his head asking for pets.
    I collect and store the info I need to provide you with the services you buy from me. I occasionally stalk you via Facebook and Instagram ads. That’s really it.

    Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does besides the kind you eat? Well then. Yes, I use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. No, I don't know anything else about them. If you don’t want my delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to me when nothing does what it’s supposed to because lord knows I don't know how to fix that.

  3. LET ME STAAAALLLLK YOU. love you. I meant love you --lyrics adapted from Justin Bieber.
    Look, I'm following you, ok? I use Google and Facebook Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats to see what stuff people are looking at so I can write more of the stuff you like. Yes you heard it. I am a business and – shocker – I want you to spend money buying my things and services! None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that I’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE GETTING A MASSAGE.

  4. DATA!

    DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-ton of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. I store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?
    Acuity! If you book a session on this site, buy a package, series or gift certificate, or register for an event that I'll post randomly and not regularly I will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff from me I will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it up, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. I obvs go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only I have access to it. No one else.

    I do ask a lot of personal questions about your health, goals and like what's going on in your life in your health intake and during our sessions because the work I do deals with all of that pretty intimately and it helps me do my job better. You're probably coming to me to clear some ancestral shit, let go of your weird habits and get in a new groove and SERIOUSLY get seriously serious about your self-care practice.. which means we talk about personal things like poop, and sex and early childhood trauma. Sometimes I write down relevant things I think will be helpful to remember about you but they're all kept under lock and key. I actually read through all of Acuity's GDPR text so I knew for sure for sure your stuff was safe. So we're cool.

    I'll be honest: I do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. I should use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like, but that's so far down on my list of things to do I didn't even write it down. Butttt for example if you buy a package I may occasionally ask you if you want to do another. If I ever do a retreat or workshop and you’ve come to it, I will likely ask you if you want to do another one. Does that make me EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?

    If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything on my site – newsletter, free guide, paid course, membership, gifts, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to my email, which I use to manage our newsletters and emails. I do this to keep you up to date on my business, new specials and deals, touching base after an appointment, and scheduling future appointments. You can opt out from emails at any time.

    When you buy stuff, your payment goes through Square. The only payment-based details I hold on my site is how much you’ve spent and whether you paid in full or just a deposit. I have no bank or card details or nada here. Square is GDPR compliant. This means if you want to re-up your package you actually have to give me your payment info all over again because I can't access it. That makes you feel good, doesn't it?!

    If you book an appointment with me, I will send you my newsletter based on the information you provided. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Squarespace, my website platform.
    Most business email servers automatically add tracking information to links so if you click on a link I KNOW. If you open an email I KNOW. If you ignore me reminding you to drink water after your session I KNOW.
    The most important thing about this is I have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.

    FINE FUCK OFF THEN I DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck an email to and I'll delete all the info I have on you from my systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what I could have possibly done wrong. I'll try not to take it personally.

    This does not include Square. If you want to delete your Square accounts you have to do that yourself via Square. I cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.

    I use social media a lot, partly to promote services and educate the world on what I do but mostly as a vehicle for my need tO write about weirdly personally stuff without the work of making it into a blog post. If you find me on Facebook we might become friends but that platform is all that is not right with the world so I check that account less than I floss my teeth. If you follow me on Instagram, I might follow you back. You can ask me to be less friendly if you wish and I will of course respect your boundaries.

    You are not required to follow my social media accounts but like, it would be really cool if you did.

FIN. You read it. Good job!